Surviving a Romantic Breakup
As many of you know, I am currently working on a book about the breakup of romantic relationships. This book is for women who have recently separated from their boyfriends and who are having a hard time moving on. It is important to note that this book focuses on research that I have done about heterosexual couples. Though I believe that there are dynamics that are common across heterosexual and same sex romantic relationships, I don't want to make the mistake of assuming that these relationships are the same. My feeling is that if I make that assumption then I do not honor the complexity and uniqueness of LGBT relationships. Here is an excerpt from the chapter about making a clean break. Let me know what you think.
-Dr. Randi
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One of the major obstacles that you will face as you navigate your way through this breakup is the natural tendency to resist making a clean break. Very often, women are tempted to move immediately from a romantic relationship into a friendship with their ex. There are times when maintaining contact is unavoidable (e.g., you have children together or you work very closely together). In those cases, the best outcome is limiting contact to those interactions that are absolutely necessary. However, for most women there are not any ties that make it absolutely necessary to maintain contact with an ex. My advice to you is to give yourself the space that you need to heal by making the commitment to yourself to avoid all contact with your ex.
Recent research in the journal Personal Relationships has shown that on days that people have contact with their exes both their feelings of love for their former partner and their feelings of sadness increase. This study also demonstrated that the more the people in the study felt both love for their partner and sadness, the less relief they felt from the trauma of the breakup. In other words, the feelings brought on by contact with an ex make it much more difficult to move on. Instead of healing and creating space in your heart and your life for a new relationship, by speaking or meeting with your ex you are preventing yourself from feeling better.
Keep in mind that every time you make contact with your ex, you are forcing yourself to experience the breakup all over again. Speaking with your ex may sound good before you do it, and it may even feel good while you are talking, but once the conversation or encounter is over, you have to deal with the separation all over again. Every time you have an encounter with your ex, you are triggering all of the emotions that make up a breakup.
Why You Feel Tempted To Talk To Him
It can be very tempting to spend time with your ex for several reasons. First, maintaining contact allows you to hold on to the hope that the relationship is not over. While you may think that this feels good in the short term, in the long term you are cheating yourself out of the opportunity to create a new and satisfying life for yourself. In addition, by maintaining contact you are committing yourself to being stuck in the sadness of the experience. In order to move on, you must absolutely accept the fact that your relationship has ended and instead of hoping for reconciliation, begin to work towards a new and better life.
You might be tempted to maintain contact with your ex because you believe that he is a good person and that the friendship that you have developed is worth saving. It is natural to think this way. I am sure that your ex has many wonderful qualities. These are probably the qualities that drew you to him in the first place. However, the fact that your ex has wonderful qualities does not mean he will make a wonderful friend for you. This has nothing to do with his intentions or how he might treat you. You are at a point right now where your emotions are running high. It is already overwhelming and confusing to begin to understand the mixture of emotions that you are feeling. Maintaining or creating a friendship with the person who is at the root of this confusion will only make things more difficult. You need this separation so that you can sort out your feelings and heal.
You may be tempted to maintain contact with your ex in order to get closure. However, closure is not something that another person can give you. Closure comes from within. Your ex may be able to give you answers to your burning questions about the breakup. He may be able to tell you why he broke up with you, why he hurt you, or why you are not the one for him. But getting answers is not the same as getting closure. Closure comes from acceptance. Once you have accepted that the relationship is over and that you can in fact move on and be happy alone or with someone else, you have achieved closure. You do not have to understand the breakup, you have to accept it. Closure is not something that your ex can give you. You have to earn it.
As many of you know, I am currently working on a book about the breakup of romantic relationships. This book is for women who have recently separated from their boyfriends and who are having a hard time moving on. It is important to note that this book focuses on research that I have done about heterosexual couples. Though I believe that there are dynamics that are common across heterosexual and same sex romantic relationships, I don't want to make the mistake of assuming that these relationships are the same. My feeling is that if I make that assumption then I do not honor the complexity and uniqueness of LGBT relationships. Here is an excerpt from the chapter about making a clean break. Let me know what you think.
-Dr. Randi
*****************************************************
One of the major obstacles that you will face as you navigate your way through this breakup is the natural tendency to resist making a clean break. Very often, women are tempted to move immediately from a romantic relationship into a friendship with their ex. There are times when maintaining contact is unavoidable (e.g., you have children together or you work very closely together). In those cases, the best outcome is limiting contact to those interactions that are absolutely necessary. However, for most women there are not any ties that make it absolutely necessary to maintain contact with an ex. My advice to you is to give yourself the space that you need to heal by making the commitment to yourself to avoid all contact with your ex.
Recent research in the journal Personal Relationships has shown that on days that people have contact with their exes both their feelings of love for their former partner and their feelings of sadness increase. This study also demonstrated that the more the people in the study felt both love for their partner and sadness, the less relief they felt from the trauma of the breakup. In other words, the feelings brought on by contact with an ex make it much more difficult to move on. Instead of healing and creating space in your heart and your life for a new relationship, by speaking or meeting with your ex you are preventing yourself from feeling better.
Keep in mind that every time you make contact with your ex, you are forcing yourself to experience the breakup all over again. Speaking with your ex may sound good before you do it, and it may even feel good while you are talking, but once the conversation or encounter is over, you have to deal with the separation all over again. Every time you have an encounter with your ex, you are triggering all of the emotions that make up a breakup.
Why You Feel Tempted To Talk To Him
It can be very tempting to spend time with your ex for several reasons. First, maintaining contact allows you to hold on to the hope that the relationship is not over. While you may think that this feels good in the short term, in the long term you are cheating yourself out of the opportunity to create a new and satisfying life for yourself. In addition, by maintaining contact you are committing yourself to being stuck in the sadness of the experience. In order to move on, you must absolutely accept the fact that your relationship has ended and instead of hoping for reconciliation, begin to work towards a new and better life.
You might be tempted to maintain contact with your ex because you believe that he is a good person and that the friendship that you have developed is worth saving. It is natural to think this way. I am sure that your ex has many wonderful qualities. These are probably the qualities that drew you to him in the first place. However, the fact that your ex has wonderful qualities does not mean he will make a wonderful friend for you. This has nothing to do with his intentions or how he might treat you. You are at a point right now where your emotions are running high. It is already overwhelming and confusing to begin to understand the mixture of emotions that you are feeling. Maintaining or creating a friendship with the person who is at the root of this confusion will only make things more difficult. You need this separation so that you can sort out your feelings and heal.
You may be tempted to maintain contact with your ex in order to get closure. However, closure is not something that another person can give you. Closure comes from within. Your ex may be able to give you answers to your burning questions about the breakup. He may be able to tell you why he broke up with you, why he hurt you, or why you are not the one for him. But getting answers is not the same as getting closure. Closure comes from acceptance. Once you have accepted that the relationship is over and that you can in fact move on and be happy alone or with someone else, you have achieved closure. You do not have to understand the breakup, you have to accept it. Closure is not something that your ex can give you. You have to earn it.
posted by Dr. Dialogue at
5:09 PM
1 Comments:
Hi Dr. Dialogue, I found your post this post while doing some research on clinical psychology graduate program. I like your blog, thank you for sharing the information and keep up the good work!. I really found some useful info!
I'll be back to see if you have any posts about clinical psychology graduate program. Bye
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Crazy Dan, at 5:12 PM
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