Response to Dr. Randi's Surviving a Romantic Breakup Post
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Dr. Randi,
I say “hear, hear” to your advice. I really feel that, unfortunately, it has become assumed that if you are a “strong” person you should be able to be friends with your ex immediately after breaking up. The fallacy in that assumption is that acting as if you can cut off your emotions at such a vulnerable time is inaccurate. Actually, forcing yourself to push the distress you are feeling aside can make it more difficult to “get over” your breakup increasing the time it will take you to move on from the relationship.
Being unwilling to admit vulnerability does not make you a bigger person. In fact, taking time for yourself and healing your emotional wounds is what will make you a better person. Taking that space will allow you time to reflect on the breakup and decide what you (personally) will/will not repeat and what you do/do not want in your next relationship.
As we dialogued about this topic, we discussed 2 analogies. One is that of an alcoholic. Having “broken up” from alcohol, most people cannot immediately go into a bar and simply drink a soda. However, after time has passed in rehabilitation (included the difficult aspects of withdrawal and reflection), an alcoholic might very well possess the strength to drink soda in the presence of alcohol. The other example was of a dieter. If losing weight is your goal, you will limit your desserts. It’s not that you will never be able to eat another dessert for the rest of your life. However, abstaining for the duration of your diet will allow you to meet your goal and possibly go back to eating desserts in moderation.
All this to say- if you want to be friends with your ex, it is possible- in due time. NOT directly after the breakup. It messes with your head to be with the person- wishful that you will get back together. It makes the reality that you are apart more difficult to process.
As I was writing this, I thought of all the Hollywood breakups we see discussed in the media. How hard it must be to be constantly reminded of what your former partner is doing! Moving on surely becomes difficult. For example, I thought about how your advice is definitely relevant for Jennifer Aniston right now. If she were able to take your advice (“if” is the operative word since the media is all-telling), she might have had time to heal. She would not concern herself with Brad Pitts’ every move, Angelina’s presence, or their newly announced pregnancy. I imagine the constant media attention has made it difficult to heal and truly move on with her life.
Thank you, Dr. Randi, for such timely and relevant information.
Best,
Dr. Kira
****************************************************
Dr. Randi,
I say “hear, hear” to your advice. I really feel that, unfortunately, it has become assumed that if you are a “strong” person you should be able to be friends with your ex immediately after breaking up. The fallacy in that assumption is that acting as if you can cut off your emotions at such a vulnerable time is inaccurate. Actually, forcing yourself to push the distress you are feeling aside can make it more difficult to “get over” your breakup increasing the time it will take you to move on from the relationship.
Being unwilling to admit vulnerability does not make you a bigger person. In fact, taking time for yourself and healing your emotional wounds is what will make you a better person. Taking that space will allow you time to reflect on the breakup and decide what you (personally) will/will not repeat and what you do/do not want in your next relationship.
As we dialogued about this topic, we discussed 2 analogies. One is that of an alcoholic. Having “broken up” from alcohol, most people cannot immediately go into a bar and simply drink a soda. However, after time has passed in rehabilitation (included the difficult aspects of withdrawal and reflection), an alcoholic might very well possess the strength to drink soda in the presence of alcohol. The other example was of a dieter. If losing weight is your goal, you will limit your desserts. It’s not that you will never be able to eat another dessert for the rest of your life. However, abstaining for the duration of your diet will allow you to meet your goal and possibly go back to eating desserts in moderation.
All this to say- if you want to be friends with your ex, it is possible- in due time. NOT directly after the breakup. It messes with your head to be with the person- wishful that you will get back together. It makes the reality that you are apart more difficult to process.
As I was writing this, I thought of all the Hollywood breakups we see discussed in the media. How hard it must be to be constantly reminded of what your former partner is doing! Moving on surely becomes difficult. For example, I thought about how your advice is definitely relevant for Jennifer Aniston right now. If she were able to take your advice (“if” is the operative word since the media is all-telling), she might have had time to heal. She would not concern herself with Brad Pitts’ every move, Angelina’s presence, or their newly announced pregnancy. I imagine the constant media attention has made it difficult to heal and truly move on with her life.
Thank you, Dr. Randi, for such timely and relevant information.
Best,
Dr. Kira
posted by Dr. Dialogue at
10:39 AM
2 Comments:
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By
Tito Maury, at 5:37 PM
I really like the way Dr. Kira compared ending a relationship to ending a "relationship" with alcohol and food. It made me think of addiction and how our relationships are too like addictions...you get a "hit" or several "hits" a day of the person your involved with. Going cold turkey is the same in all scenarios...it only works if you truly walk away.
By
DaAnalytical1, at 10:07 PM
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