*******************Moral Crisis*********************

“If old people would talk to young people it would make us a better people all around” (a line from India.Arie’s recent album, which is fabulous by the way). The song is about the need for young people to talk to old people and vice versa. It’s essentially about individuals different perspectives being willing to listen and learn from each other (e.g. democrats/republicans, Blacks/Whites).

What I really resonate with in this song is that this “talking” is NOT in the spirit of reprimanding, but simply in the spirit of guiding, rearing, loving. I’m all for that and have seen examples of how we are in need of it in our lives.

Am I showing my age?! Please note that I have not yet graced the decade of my 30s. I’m sure that will help and hurt my argument with some. Initially, I hesitated to write on the topic, because it sounded so dramatic. I’m not that far from being in the “young” category, and aren’t youth historically misunderstood?

Like I said, the title might sound dramatic and/or alarming, but the wound on my arm that I received from a young person shooting a paintball at me within close range tells me it’s a strong possibility. I was playing with a group of friends, and we were suddenly joined up with a group of kids that were plain bad. They didn’t take themselves out of the game when hit, they went out of bounds to sneak up on us, and they shot us at close range. What’s the fun of a game, when the rules aren’t followed? These kids had no supervision. It was a Friday night, and there were about 4 adults for the 40 children that were there. What?! I won’t even go into the advanced and inappropriate discussions we heard these children engage in. My experience was unnerving (even before my arm was wounded); because these kids were engaging in hours of warfare (my opinion is that it ceased to be a game when the rules went out the window).

The second experience was on the train coming home from a baseball game. Mind you the trains are PACKED after the games, due to how convenient it is to ride in rather than drive and park. Anyway, my husband and I had walked to an earlier station so that when the train arrived at the stadium, we would have a seat. There was a group of kids who moved to sit together before the crowd boarded. Since there was an odd number, one was left in a seat by himself. An elderly lady ended up having to hold on for the bumpy ride, and he never offered his seat. Her husband hesitated to request that the young man move. I was about to say something, but my husband protested (he said it wasn’t my business). After almost 10 minutes, the husband asked the young man to move, and he did. My frustration was that the young man did not care to move on his own (I witnessed he and his friends talk about the fact that he could move over to make room for someone). I also felt that it was my business in that I believe we owe it to our young people to make them citizens of society that consider others rather than simply their own needs. I do believe it takes a village to raise a child.

As a psychologist who understands issues of sampling, I know that my 2 examples don’t serve as overwhelming evidence. However, I was further compelled to share my thoughts after watching “Shalom in the Home.” The Rabbi from the show was on Oprah recently, and he spoke openly about what he feels is the major crisis facing our society- faltering families, the lack of boundaries and expressions of love. One of the byproducts is children who are not attuned to their inner voice of right and wrong, have not been disciplined, and are not held accountable for their actions. Too many children today are lacking a moral compass, limited in their ability to listen to their inner voice and are downright rude. We are responsible for training the ear to listen for such a voice. We old people need to talk to young people.

Dr. Randi,

I agree with your assessment that society puts major pressure on women to “find a man” and “have some kids.” First, let me be honest and disclose that I am a married woman who has experienced the joy (and hard work) of marriage. It stinks that women have to contend with judgments no matter what. As the comments of others’ highlight, getting married too young, too old, having kids too soon, or too late are just a few of the common criticisms. I can relate in some ways, because I got married at 22. Not only did people have lots to say, but I also had girlfriends who treated me differently- no longer extending invitations. Looking back, perhaps it was simply jealousy or their lack of understanding that, in fact, married women need their friends MORE. Either way, I think that the challenge of navigating the expectations and assumptions of womanhood is real.

In particular, I am concerned that these messages and expectations limit the potential of young girls. They have yet to develop the sophistication you and your friend have to articulate the anger and frustration you feel. With the dynamics that you highlight, how can we be surprised by the hyper-sexuality of our young girls?! They don’t have the cognitive ability to sift through all of the messages and assert themselves, but they seem to get the message loud and clear that having “a man” is desired. I work with young girls and hear them singing suggestive lyrics of top 40 songs and dancing/dressing in ways that they see portrayed on TV. It worries me that they do not have a strong enough sense of self to strand up to the pressures that you discussed.

Womanhood is not monolithic, and I feel that we need to be more flexible in our definitions of what it means to be a successful woman.

That’s my .02.

Dr. Kira

This weekend, I had the good fortune of spending time with a close friend that I do not get to see nearly as often as I would like. I was in her city for a wedding and we managed to sneak in a few brunches and dinners between all of the festivities. As is the case with most conversations between girlfriends, the topic eventually turned to our respective love lives. However, this conversation was much different from those we have had in the past. Instead of spending most of our time laughing at those bizarre moments that we refer to as our love lives, we began comparing notes about the increasing amount of pressure that others have tried to impose on us to get married. As we approach 30, the tone of the comments that we have received has begun to imply that there is something wrong with being single. That, in fact, despite anything else we have accomplished in our lives, we are to be pitied if we are not married.

Before I share some of the comments that we have received over the years about our status as single women, I want to tell you a little about my friend. Perhaps I am biased after over a decade of friendship, but I would be shocked if other more “objective” sources found reason to doubt this description of her. She is beautiful. (I mention this first because I know that some of you will assume that that has some sort of bearing on her dating status and because others of you will assume that she is not beautiful if I do not mention it first.) She is well educated and extremely successful (as indicated by the fact that she received a VP title in a major financial institution at the age of 27). She is spiritual, loyal, kind, and always fun to be around. I would describe her as the type of friend that you feel extremely blessed to have in your life- especially if, like me, you have a history of calling on friends when you are in crisis even if it is the middle of the night. She values family and is a devoted daughter, sister, and aunt. Her love of life is infectious. I could go on, but I think that you get the point. What is most important to this conversation is that she is open to romance but not desperate for it. She would like to be a wife and a mother one day but does not believe that her personal happiness depends on that happening.

I won’t bore you with a description of my own finer points. I would like to think that I possess many of the same characteristics as my friend, but I refuse to insult your intelligence by purporting to be able to offer an unbiased description of my character. I think it is enough to say that I am a single woman, quickly approaching 30, who knows first hand what it means to be questioned at every turn about when I am finally going to get married. So, with all of the descriptions out of the way, let me offer you just a selection of the comments that we both have received over the years.
· “You wasted your father’s money.” [Said by a friend’s mother in reference to the fact that I graduated from college without a husband.]
· “You aren’t getting any younger.” [Said when we were 25 years old]
· “You have educated yourself out of the market.”
· “You need to stop focusing on getting letters after your name, and start getting some letters before your name.” [In reference to the fact that my PhD might make it difficult to get an Mrs.]
· “Are you sure that you are really in to men?”
· “How hard can it be? You keep yourself up pretty well.”
· “I don’t understand why you are single. There must be something wrong with you.” [A common theme related to us by men on the first or second date.]
· “Maybe if you lost those ten pounds…”
· “It’s a tough market. You have to be aggressive.”
· “Men don’t like women who are too successful. They don’t want to feel like they are in competition with their wives.”

I think that it is important to note that none of these comments were solicited. In fact, we both make a point of not discussing our personal lives, except with our closest friends. However, for some reason, people feel as if they have the right to make judgments about the most intimate parts of our lives. My friend related a story to me about a recent dinner party she attended with 12 other (mostly older, mostly married) women- 10 of whom she was meeting for the first time that night. She said that at one point in the evening she felt as if she was the main character in a one woman show on Broadway. The whole table focused in on why they thought she was still single and more importantly, what she should do about it.

What does it say about how far we have (not) come as women, if our identity and value are so dependant upon our marital status? In an era where the divorce rate hovers around 50%, what danger are we courting if our message to young women is not “marry when and if you find the right person” but instead, “marry (a man) at any cost?” I am sad, and I am worried, but mostly I am angry. I don’t think any woman’s life should be judged in accordance to her relationship with a man. If we do that, then we limit both our choices and our ability to live authentically. I applaud women who marry because they have met a person with whom they want to spend their lives. However, I am in awe of women who refuse to marry until or unless it makes sense for them.

In the interest of self-disclosure, I think that I should mention that technically, I am no longer a single woman. I am engaged to a wonderful man who came into my life four years ago. While the comments about me not being married have all but stopped (though only since he proposed a few months ago), I have noticed that there is a new type of pressure that others are trying to impose upon me. That is the pressure to have children. Apparently, being married is not enough. If I am truly to live up to my potential as a woman in the eyes of our society, I must also be a mother. My fiancé and I have not even walked down the aisle and already these same critics are warning me that my eggs are rotting and that I am running out of time. Am I really to believe that all of this criticism will end after I have children? I don’t think so.

I have some reflections on issues of civil rights and social justice given a recent “this day in history” and the MLK holiday. On January 12, 1915 a constitutional amendment resolution was debated in the house for 10 hours and rejected 174 to 204. This resolution was about women’s right to vote. It was denied- voted down. Two hundred and four of the people who were elected to serve our country deemed that women should not have the right to vote. Earlier that year, the Senate sent a similar statement (35-34). Although it was a bare majority, it was not the necessary two-thirds. One of the arguments against ratifying the amendment was that states should have the authority to do what they wish with the right to vote within their own boundaries. Suffragists (those who were for women’s right to vote) were said to be suffering from “hysteria.” Even President Wilson and leading politicians dodged the amendment stating that it should go to the states and not the national government.

I highlight this moment in history to make the point that change is a part of our own lives and that of our country’s, and we should open our eyes to ways that we can empower others rather than shut them down. Here is where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. comes in. He stated, “What affects one of us directly affects us all indirectly. I am not what I ought to be until you are what you are ought to be.”

The men running the government at that time thought America was pretty great- a civilized place, the country to look up to. However, looking back we can see ways that their sight was limited. Women had a great deal to contribute to our country in the long and short term. Remember it was women’s labor that helped keep our industries going through the war.

I believe that we suffer from the same restricted vision today. There are a number of issues facing our country and we seem to express an air of certainty that they things are just fine the way they are; leave well enough alone. What will we look back on and be blown away by our complacency, judgment (or lack there of) or plain ignorance?

“What affects one of us directly affects us all indirectly. I am not what I ought to be until you are what you are ought to be.”

I look forward to others' thoughts- Dr. Kira

Response to Dr. Randi's Surviving a Romantic Breakup Post
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Dr. Randi,
I say “hear, hear” to your advice. I really feel that, unfortunately, it has become assumed that if you are a “strong” person you should be able to be friends with your ex immediately after breaking up. The fallacy in that assumption is that acting as if you can cut off your emotions at such a vulnerable time is inaccurate. Actually, forcing yourself to push the distress you are feeling aside can make it more difficult to “get over” your breakup increasing the time it will take you to move on from the relationship.

Being unwilling to admit vulnerability does not make you a bigger person. In fact, taking time for yourself and healing your emotional wounds is what will make you a better person. Taking that space will allow you time to reflect on the breakup and decide what you (personally) will/will not repeat and what you do/do not want in your next relationship.

As we dialogued about this topic, we discussed 2 analogies. One is that of an alcoholic. Having “broken up” from alcohol, most people cannot immediately go into a bar and simply drink a soda. However, after time has passed in rehabilitation (included the difficult aspects of withdrawal and reflection), an alcoholic might very well possess the strength to drink soda in the presence of alcohol. The other example was of a dieter. If losing weight is your goal, you will limit your desserts. It’s not that you will never be able to eat another dessert for the rest of your life. However, abstaining for the duration of your diet will allow you to meet your goal and possibly go back to eating desserts in moderation.

All this to say- if you want to be friends with your ex, it is possible- in due time. NOT directly after the breakup. It messes with your head to be with the person- wishful that you will get back together. It makes the reality that you are apart more difficult to process.

As I was writing this, I thought of all the Hollywood breakups we see discussed in the media. How hard it must be to be constantly reminded of what your former partner is doing! Moving on surely becomes difficult. For example, I thought about how your advice is definitely relevant for Jennifer Aniston right now. If she were able to take your advice (“if” is the operative word since the media is all-telling), she might have had time to heal. She would not concern herself with Brad Pitts’ every move, Angelina’s presence, or their newly announced pregnancy. I imagine the constant media attention has made it difficult to heal and truly move on with her life.

Thank you, Dr. Randi, for such timely and relevant information.

Best,
Dr. Kira

Surviving a Romantic Breakup

As many of you know, I am currently working on a book about the breakup of romantic relationships. This book is for women who have recently separated from their boyfriends and who are having a hard time moving on. It is important to note that this book focuses on research that I have done about heterosexual couples. Though I believe that there are dynamics that are common across heterosexual and same sex romantic relationships, I don't want to make the mistake of assuming that these relationships are the same. My feeling is that if I make that assumption then I do not honor the complexity and uniqueness of LGBT relationships. Here is an excerpt from the chapter about making a clean break. Let me know what you think.
-Dr. Randi

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One of the major obstacles that you will face as you navigate your way through this breakup is the natural tendency to resist making a clean break. Very often, women are tempted to move immediately from a romantic relationship into a friendship with their ex. There are times when maintaining contact is unavoidable (e.g., you have children together or you work very closely together). In those cases, the best outcome is limiting contact to those interactions that are absolutely necessary. However, for most women there are not any ties that make it absolutely necessary to maintain contact with an ex. My advice to you is to give yourself the space that you need to heal by making the commitment to yourself to avoid all contact with your ex.

Recent research in the journal Personal Relationships has shown that on days that people have contact with their exes both their feelings of love for their former partner and their feelings of sadness increase. This study also demonstrated that the more the people in the study felt both love for their partner and sadness, the less relief they felt from the trauma of the breakup. In other words, the feelings brought on by contact with an ex make it much more difficult to move on. Instead of healing and creating space in your heart and your life for a new relationship, by speaking or meeting with your ex you are preventing yourself from feeling better.

Keep in mind that every time you make contact with your ex, you are forcing yourself to experience the breakup all over again. Speaking with your ex may sound good before you do it, and it may even feel good while you are talking, but once the conversation or encounter is over, you have to deal with the separation all over again. Every time you have an encounter with your ex, you are triggering all of the emotions that make up a breakup.

Why You Feel Tempted To Talk To Him

It can be very tempting to spend time with your ex for several reasons. First, maintaining contact allows you to hold on to the hope that the relationship is not over. While you may think that this feels good in the short term, in the long term you are cheating yourself out of the opportunity to create a new and satisfying life for yourself. In addition, by maintaining contact you are committing yourself to being stuck in the sadness of the experience. In order to move on, you must absolutely accept the fact that your relationship has ended and instead of hoping for reconciliation, begin to work towards a new and better life.

You might be tempted to maintain contact with your ex because you believe that he is a good person and that the friendship that you have developed is worth saving. It is natural to think this way. I am sure that your ex has many wonderful qualities. These are probably the qualities that drew you to him in the first place. However, the fact that your ex has wonderful qualities does not mean he will make a wonderful friend for you. This has nothing to do with his intentions or how he might treat you. You are at a point right now where your emotions are running high. It is already overwhelming and confusing to begin to understand the mixture of emotions that you are feeling. Maintaining or creating a friendship with the person who is at the root of this confusion will only make things more difficult. You need this separation so that you can sort out your feelings and heal.

You may be tempted to maintain contact with your ex in order to get closure. However, closure is not something that another person can give you. Closure comes from within. Your ex may be able to give you answers to your burning questions about the breakup. He may be able to tell you why he broke up with you, why he hurt you, or why you are not the one for him. But getting answers is not the same as getting closure. Closure comes from acceptance. Once you have accepted that the relationship is over and that you can in fact move on and be happy alone or with someone else, you have achieved closure. You do not have to understand the breakup, you have to accept it. Closure is not something that your ex can give you. You have to earn it.

Response to Dr. Kira

Many of the important issues that we, as a country, are currently dealing with have racial subtexts. This morning as I watched the news, almost every story had some sort of racial implication: the war in Iraq, Hurricane Katrina, home-ownership, public education, the criminal justice system, etc… That does not mean that race is the predominant issue for all of these stories, but the way we resolve these conflicts will most definitely have consequences that vary by race. We do not have the luxury of pretending that we live in a color-neutral society. Race is not an issue that we can tiptoe around, we have to grit our teeth and walk through the fire. There will certainly be casualties as we address such issues as race, racism, and racial disparity. But there will also be progress. I certainly look forward to the day that such discussions about race are considered important and empowering as opposed to threatening.

I must acknowledge that as excited as I am about the possibility of the country beginning such an important dialogue, the mere thought of it overwhelms me. The mental, psychological and even physical energy required to engage in these discussions can be all-consuming. I am also afraid. What if I offend someone? What if someone offends me? What if my thoughts and ideas are misunderstood or taken out of context? All of these things (and more) are bound to happen. The only thing that relieves my anxiety is the thought that if we all enter this discussion being open to new ideas and acknowledging the fact that we all have room to learn and to grow, perhaps we can leave our judgments at the door and embrace each other with a spirit of acceptance.

Let the dialogue begin!

Dr. Randi